How to bring it up with your partner

You have been drafting the sentence for a fortnight. You have rehearsed it in the shower. And every single version sounds, inside your own head, like a complaint about your partner.

It almost never lands that way. You just have to get the first minute right.

Not in bed. Please, not in bed.

The worst possible moment is during sex. The second worst is immediately afterwards, when anything either of you says sounds like a performance review.

Pick somewhere ordinary, with your clothes on. In the car. On a walk. Elbow deep in the washing up. Side by side beats face to face, because it takes the eye contact out of a conversation that already feels like a great deal.

Say what you want, not what is missing

"I saw something I would love to try with you."

"I think our sex life needs help."

Same idea. Completely different conversation. Your partner will clock the difference in about half a second.

The first is an invitation. The second is a verdict, and it sends them straight into defending themselves instead of thinking about the idea at all.

Answer the question they are never going to ask

Underneath almost all hesitation sits one worry, and hardly anybody says it out loud.

Does this mean I am not enough?

Answer it before they have to ask. A toy is not a replacement and it is not a review of anybody's performance. It is one more thing to do together. That takes five seconds to say and it saves the entire conversation.

Be specific, because vague is terrifying

"We should get something" invites your partner to picture the whole category, and most people's imagination goes directly to the most intimidating object in it.

Name an actual idea instead. It gives them something real to react to, and it quietly sets the scale.

Better still, shop together

This changes the shape of the whole thing. A proposal they have to accept or refuse becomes a decision the two of you are making, and either of you can say "not that one", which is an infinitely easier sentence than "no".

You also tend to find out what they are actually curious about, and it is rarely what you assumed.

A no is a whole answer

If the answer is no, that is the answer. Not an opening bid. Not something to raise again next month with better arguments and a chart.

Wearing somebody down is not consent, and it will cost you far more than the thing you were asking for.

Ask what the no is about, once, and then let it go. Plenty of them have nothing to do with the toy. Being watched. Feeling replaceable. Worrying that yes to this means yes to a whole list of things later. Every one of those is answerable, and only if nobody is being pushed.

It runs the other way too. Saying yes because saying no feels rude is the same problem with your name on it.

If you have already bought one

It happens constantly, and it is entirely fixable.

Say so before it appears. Producing it as a surprise puts your partner on the spot in front of the object itself with no time to think, which is a lot to ask of anyone.

Tell them you bought it, tell them what appealed to you about it, and mean it when you say it can sit in the box for a while.

And say something afterwards

Not a debrief. One honest sentence about what you liked.

The silence after a first attempt is where people quietly decide it went badly when it did not.

The short version

Clothes on. Say what you want, not what is missing. Answer the question they are not asking. Be specific, or shop together. Take a no as a no. Say something nice afterwards.